Bring Your Own Marker

Ok. Okk. Disclaimer for all the men...keep reading at your own risk. Women if you recognize this Dr's Office gown you already know where I am going with this! Today I felt like I would rather mow the mosquito filled yard with a pair of scissors than go to the doctor. It was that time of year to go for a check-up...and I had successfully dodged coming for the last 2 1/2 years. My mom asked me a few weeks ago when the last time I went was and I told her when I had the last baby. I go out of absolute necessity. If I could deliver at home with a few tools like a plunger and a kiddie swimming pool I would. Because there are very few things I dislike more than going to the OB/GYN. I think we can all agree that if you could find a way to have "ATM access" to the lady Dr we would. Drive up. Open car door. Exam by robot that we've never met before and don't have to make eye contact with. And shut the door and be on our way.  Here's a few reasons why the OB/GYN is worse than taking 11 of your closest friends kids by yourself to Chuck E. Cheese :

1. Parking Garages and Parking Lots

 If your Drs Office is anything like mine there's a parking lot or parking garage full of angry females. Some are pregnant, some are menopausal, some have tried a new birth control that's made them scarier than your 3rd grade bus driver and some are in their own little world. Today as I was pulling through the parking garage a man with his pregnant wife pointed at me like he was Harry Potter with a wand and had the ability to make my car stop. I do understand he was just looking out for her, but I clearly saw them and wasn't even going fast. They were so dramatic and tippy toeing like she was the most fragile pregnant person ever. Like if she sneezed the baby would fall out or something. I was already at this point on edge and running late from "lady in her own world" with her flashers on waiting for a car to back up that was in fact empty! No driver in sight! I sat behind her..well me and the rest of the world..for I KID YOU NOT 7 minutes. The walls were closing in and I could smell the breath of the angry old lady with her handicapped sticker behind me hollering that she didn't have time for this. Then you have your regular rule breakers who think since they have a tiny expensive car they can turn into or around anywhere that says DO NOT ENTER whipping in and out of people. How is there even enough room in a car garage to be whipping you ask? I don't know, but I saw it with my own two eyes today..and thats just another contributing factor to the number that was my blood pressure today. It all raises my blood pressure like my dear husband watching the kids for longer than about 30 minutes. Being ON EDGE is an understatement and I cannot handle it more that once every 3 years. 

2. Sharpies for Writing on Urine Samples

At my Dr office just like many others you have to give a urine sample right off the bat. It goes like this. Hi. Hello Mrs. Bloxham. So glad to see youfollowmethiswayforaurinesample. GREAT! Public restrooms are not my friend. My husband can testify I have drove/rode miles and miles (1000 all the way to Texas to be exact) without using the first restroom. I would rather bust open with urine flowing like a dam breaking than use a public restroom. So I SMILE at the lady and walk in the germroom. She literally says as the door is closing...cupsaretoyourrightwriteyournameonthesampleyoullfindwipesinthbasketillbewaitingforyou. Ok. So she says that a million times a day but what. What did she just say. Wipe with those wipes first or no. And she's waiting. She's waiting? How long does the average person take to do this? I don't want to be a slow urine sample getter. I'm on edge again. Everything was fine really until I had to write my name on the sample container. You mean to tell me that same marker has been there since it replaced the last one...Which could have been weeks and you know how many people have used that...In the bathroom...With hands they probably have not washed. I sorta panicked cause I heard the nurse out in the hall. I grabbed one of those alcohol wipes and wrapped it around the marker and wrote my name as best I could. Are they judging my hand writing as well as where I fall on the yellow-scale? Seriously at this point I just want to go home.  Why was I not born a man? Why did I not BRING MY OWN MARKER? Why do they not leave that in the voicemail when they call to confirm your appt. They don't prepare you for this yall.

Stirrups Aren't Just For Horses

 If you were wondering how in depth this is going to be..I'M JUST SAYING..I don't care HOW much you like/love/respect your doctor NO FEMALE ON THE PLANET LIKES TO HEAR THOSE STIRRUPS BEING LOWERED. I want to stop for a minute and thank the Lord for modern medicine. Lord I know you put me in this modern time for a reason and I Thank You for that. Honestly! Thank you Jesus! But for real yall...people can lock their door and set their A.C. to a certain temp from an App why oh why have we not found a BETTER WAY than the stirrups! And no my knees don't want to fall to the side or relax and no that doesn't feel ok BTW. It will never be ok. That's all I have to say about that. 

Oh and my doctor told me today it's normal to sweat profusely as you await your exam. It's totally normal. You should actually have sweat beaded up and rolling down every crack and roll. If you don't, YOU aren't normal. I'm just telling yall what the Dr said.

So keep in mind for next time...Pray for those Harry Potter husbands thinking you're about to hit their fragile water balloon wives, ask God to soften your heart to the people who surely have a brain sitting in the middle of the way with their flashers on, and for the love of all things germy BRING YOUR OWN MARKER!