Mom gets a pitstop..Dad gets a minivacay..where is the bathroom justice?

I have two kids. Two of 'em. They're 4 and 2 years old. Exactly 2 years and 3 weeks apart. They follow me. Everywhere. They are part bloodhound I think cause I can't lose them. They can sense my trail and pop up wherever I walk to in the house. I even go to their bathroom sometimes cause that's normally the last place I would be, but they're catching on to me. I'm running out of hiding places. They don't nap anymore hardly so I can't even eat the good snacks during the day.

When they're not following me they are being so quiet and playing nicely..or so I like to think. In these quiet times they can usually be found coloring on a wall, playing with lighters, dumping out a brand new bottle of soap, "brushing their teeth" (aka playing in their sink), or taking every piece of clothing out of their drawers, attempting to pour milk from a brand new gallon(missing and making the kitchen a milk flood zone), standing with the fridge wide open, digging through junk that's not theirs, or my personal favorite "cooking something" in the play kitchen with real food that just becomes a huge mess.

I would just rather them follow me around than have to recover from the huge messes that happen in the 2 minutes it takes me to go the bathroom and back. My husband however has a different philosophy.

My husband feels entitled to bathroom breaks at any time. He not only feels entitled to privacy, but he also feels entitled to whatever length of time he desires. Most minimum bathroom breaks for him are around 45 mins. I would like to note that I have given birth in less than 45 mins. TWICE.

When we walk in the door and it's later in the evening (and kids need baths and bedtime routines) husband *IMMEDIATELY* must go to the bathroom. Claims he will die if he waits 5 minutes. Never said one thing about a bowel movement in the 30min car ride. If we walk in the door from running errands and it's time to eat lunch *perfect bathroom break time*. Claims it will be just a few minutes. Lunch is completely eaten and cleaned up upon return. If dinner is on the table and husband walks through the door just in time to sit and eat *must first bathroom break and shower and clip toenails and shave face and do whatever the heck he does to consume an hour and a half in the bathroom*. Note that I may still have on pajamas from the previous night because that's how life goes some days. But by all means shower for the 2nd time today, dear.

I bathe like a NASCAR pitstop. There's no singing. There's no standing under the water contemplating scenarios that will never happen in life for the heck of it. I'm in and I'm out. 3 mins tops. Period.

Bathroom breaks for this mama go like this. Please sit down. Please stop staring at me. Please put that down. Get out of the tub. Leave the rug alone. Turn the water off. Dry your hands off. Not with that. That's the good hand towel. Can yall just go to the living room. I'm right behind you. Yes I'm going to flush the toilet. Goooooo!

I know it's all a game though. There's no amount of constipation, diahhrea, stomach bug, food poison, IBS, or whatever causes bowel movements to have your butt glued to a toilet for 45 min. Y'all, our husbands sit there playing a stupid Clash of Clans game or texting their group message or watching some stupid videos their friends tagged them in. Well here is something YOU can tag them in now. They can read it on the toilet while diverting responsibilities. HEY HUSBANDS ... Just so YOU KNOW, WE ALL KNOW it's all a game.

So wives everywhere take an extra 30 seconds (cause realistically that's all we can take without our kids burning the house down) next time you are going to the bathroom and pretend it's the 45 min break your husband takes daily like he's clocking out of life. One day our kids will be big and gone and the thought of following us to the bathroom will embarrass them and we will wish someone cared that we were going to the bathroom. But not today. Not this week. Not this year. Not with the little eyes watching your every move on the toilet. Good luck, mamas. Good news though...We are going to make it.

                                        - ♡ Jamie Lee


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