A story it's time to tell.
May 7 is a big deal and I'll tell ya why. If ever God has moved and made Himself evident in my life it was yesterday, 2 years ago.
Last night I laid my head down beside my husband, but 2 years ago I hadn't been doing that...for months. If you've been around for more than the last few chapters of our life, you know this.
I had gone through so many different seasons of grief during the several months span of hurting and trying to find a silver lining, strength, my own two feet, what I thought maybe I "deserved", and just trying to make my world stop spinning out of control.
In the hurt and confusion God was still there. He'd never left -- though nearly impossible for me to see at the time.
I clung to a religious routine and kept myself in a place where I was serving at church, but honestly felt like God was very far at times. Little did I know God used those moments to keep me close to people who would speak truth, some would cast judgement (they're perfect if ya didn't know), and at the very least most made me hold myself accountable in some sort of fashion.
God started testing my faith and asked me to MOVE in situations in my life and I did, without hesitation. Little did I know He was testing my ears to make sure they were moving on His command. And even when it "didn't make sense" to me...I moved.
"File for divorce. Get it over with. Stop dragging it out and stop trying to make it work because obviously it won't"... That's what I was told. If you looked at my situation at that time you may have thought or said the same thing. I had the tiniest flicker of hope down deep in my soul that though it looked really bad, it felt really bad and hurt really bad --- God could still move. And spoiler alert, He did. "Don't move. Stand still and let ME fight for you"... Spoiler alert one more time...oh how He fought for me!
We had slowly began talking to each other and spending time around each other, with and for our kids, again..and boy was THAT a hit. Tell your family and friends that someone who has hurt you tremendously is coming over for dinner per your invite and see what they say. It's messy. It's not easy. It's NOT ideal. I had to realize, with all due respect, what God said was LOUDER, was TRUTH and would change the course of my entire life...regardless of feelings and emotions. God was saying MOVE so I listened and I did.
2 years ago my phone rang and I answered it. Trevor asked me to go to a concert with him -- honestly he had asked several people and whatdayaknow nobody else could go. So oddly enough, without hesitation I said yes and ran home to get ready. It didn't make sense at the time, but that flicker in my heart turned up a notch and I felt like God was MOVING and I had to cooperate and do my part. I am so thankful for the picture below that I snapped that night..a visual reminder of dead things coming to life and a real God really moving on my behalf.
God was moving that night and He didn't stop -- still hasn't. Everything was NOT perfect from that day forward. Nothing magically "fell into place" after May 7, 2019, but God was orchestrating the most powerful kind of reconciliation and restoration I've ever known. I learned that forgiveness and reconciliation is a choice that you make and continue to make every single day of your life. I learned that bitterness and resentment don't belong to happy and free people. I learned that my mind is a scary place when my trust isn't fully placed in the hands of Jesus. I learned that though Trevor Bloxham is a man, a flawed imperfect man, he is 100% without a doubt the gospel story right before my eyes.
We've walked out the last few chapters the best way we've known how, falling and stumbling along the way at times. We've checked every single emotion off the list that you could possibly ever feel toward a human being. We've gone through absolute rock bottom as individuals and we've been able to rise together, as God leads us.
Sometimes I wonder where our life would be had I of declined my invite to that concert. I thank God I don't have to know and am living out the most blessed chapter of my life so far. Our story is not perfect-- I know that and you know that. The promise I have is that "we overcome by the blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimony" and if you're still reading I pray you overcome. I pray you overcome every obstacle -- whether you set your own self up for failure or a tactic from the devil himself.
If you've been reading my book from a far for any amount of time I pray that you see Jesus. He is the ONE, the only hope, the only thing good, the ONLY thing that makes sense -- Jesus.
Last night our boy played a baseball game and afterwards our team got together for dinner at Calendar's. 2 years ago I loathed the thought of that place knowing what it was for Trevor at that time in his life. Oddly, God brought us back there in a completely different place. I sat chatting about our baseball game, my Hibachi Mama party and looked around waiting on our pizza. We got there at different times and sat a few tables apart. Someone played a song that JUST SO HAPPENED to be a song from the concert 2 years ago..on that very night and heck I'll even say at that VERY moment and our eyes locked with a smile. God has the best sense of humor and no detail is forgotten, ever. Last night I went home and I laid my head down beside my parted red sea, my lame man walking, my deaf man hearing and blinded eyes seeing, my miracle.
So since I've been typing this the sun has decided to come up and we are blessed to have one more day and I just had to share and tell you that though my choices, our choices aren't always perfect -- I know a God who is. Listen for His voice, talk to him, tell Him you need Him and you're lost without Him because he is good. And if He gives me one more day I'll tell you again -- He's good.